Regret: removal and prevention
Let's start with the etymology:
Regret:
late 14c., regreten, "to look back with distress or sorrowful longing; to grieve for on remembering"
To look back with distress. To feel sorrowful longing. To grieve.
Much like with other negative emotions, I think they are a useful teacher, but dwelling on regrets is not a good way to live life.
So how not to dwell on them?
Here's how I've processed my regrets.
Regret removal
We all have some regrets.
It's a question of magnitude: do you have a multitude of tiny regrets that bear little influence on your life, or some major regrets that still affect you?
I think that even those who claim to have "no regrets" have regrets, but to them, they are not consequential.
In other words, they have separated the "look back" from "with distress" or "sorrowful longing"—they have separated the act of looking back on their past (facts, events that happened) from the emotional charge (how they feel about it now).
That's the key thing to me about regret.
The past can't be changed, that's a simple fact. But whether we feel strong negative emotions when looking back, that's up to us.
I think in all our lives, there are things we wish would not have happened that we might regret. For example, the deaths of friends, family, pets that we could have possibly affected in some way come to mind.
I had such regrets. And I say had, because I have changed how I view those events. Even the things I regretted once, I don't regret anymore. I have moved on.
The key piece of wisdom that caused the removal of distress or "sorrowful longing" from these events was this: amor fati.
Amor fati: the love of fate
This is a phrase from Nietsche, also referenced by Stoics like Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius. It simply means accepting exactly what happened in one's life as either good or necessary.
When I look back on the events I had regretted once, I no longer feel the negative emotions.
This took time. In my case, months of going back to the concept of amor fati.
When I say months, I don't mean going to a retreat and thinking about that concept. I mean, many 15-30 minute periods of reflection, during which certain things resurfaced again. Then I asked myself: do I accept this as part of my past? Do I feel at peace with this or not?
And now, I do. Most of the time. Sometimes, when I'm in a negative state of mind, the emotions that are integral to regret do resurface, but that happens rarely because I keep watch over my thoughts through meditation.
So, if you were to take one thing from this post, mull over this concept of amor fati. It might be useful for you (or not, that's fine.)
That's for the removal of regret.
What I think is equally important is being mindful of what creates regret in the first place.
Regret prevention
There's a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware. I've never read the book, but sometimes that's not necessary to apply it in daily life.
The book defines these as the top 5 regrets:
- “I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
- “I wish I hadn't worked so hard.”
- “I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.”
- “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
- “I wish I had let myself be happier”
Since this is just a few items, I have committed those to my memory.
As I go about my life, I try to be mindful of these.
For example, I'm now aware of the fact that I might be failing No 4. at the moment. Not entirely, but I know there are some friends I could reach out to.
As a little reminder of this, I have a monthly reminder of my calendar that reads:
Live true to myself; don't work too hard; express feelings; meet friends; be happy
Sounds simple, right?
Well, it's not so simple to apply in daily life, but reflecting on each of the regrets is a good step towards avoiding them.
Take a look at them and see what you're doing right now that you might regret on your deathbed.
That's it.
Amor fati and the top 5 regrets of the dying are the concepts that I have actually used to deal with my regrets, be at peace with my past, and conduct myself in the present.